Not Again

Sometimes, I feel so stupid I wanna whack myself.

I'm sorry bout last night... If it meant anything to you. But I would also have appreciated it if you had told me then to just shut up. Maybe I'd know you cared... you know? Sometimes I just get so carried away in my own world I don't care about others anymore.

Selfish me.

And, I shouldn't be the one to wait for you. But you should wait for me. Till... I'm ready I guess? Like Dea, dude, it just doesn't make sense for a girl to wait for a guy... even though that was what I did with Xander. Waited for 3 years. 3 painful years, wondering and waiting. Guys came and went. And even then, he was STILL on my mind. Oh gosh. And when the chance came in February, I didn't take it. Any why? I WAS SO DARN STUPID. Me and my stupid PITY PITY PITY. URGH.

How did I know Xander would have changed his mind? Reading back the the Chat Log of February 2008 with him, I wondered... whether he truly has? But nvm. I shouldn't bring it up again... Now he actually scares me o.o AND WHY?!?!?! I HAVE NO IDEA?!?!

*smacks own forhead... buries face in hands*

I feel like crying. But that'll be stupid if I do =.= Crying over a matter like this. I push people. It's something I do... even unconsciously. I did that to.... I dunno. A few guys. And sometimes, even if I know I'm gonna be in a dilemma afterwards, I STILL do it. What am I tryin to do? Prove myself something??? Maybe someone who knows me better than myself can tell me.

And... I just fear. Fear that another part of me will get ripped out again. You know, I realise something. The relationship always ends around... May... June... July... that kind of time. WHY? Urgh. Orange boy (no idea why I jsut came up with that. prolly coz his surname is kinda obvious to a lot of ppl), left me in June for another girl. Yeah... and I THINK he regrets it now... Tofu, left me near the end of May. Dunno for what... it was never made clear.

And since... it's our Os next year. Would you leave me for your studies? I have a feeling you will... I mean, seeing how much you take your studies seriously... unlike me. TOTAL SLACKER. And yes, you probably know me better than tofu or Xander or Orange boy or Durian... Then you should probably know what I'm going through... or maybe not? *blank face... thinks...*

*moments of silence*

But maybe... Prove to me that I can have nothing to fear or worry about when it comes to you...