It's been a while since I actually posted something really emotional up here.
My heart feels like it's been torn into two.
Stuck in between innocence and guilt.
Stuck in between the urge to stand up for myself, to scream and shout, and just sitting there.
Stuck in between keeping things as they are to prevent them from getting worse, and just blowing things up.
I tell myself I need to fight back. People tell me I need to fight back and stand up for myself.
I sound so bloody pathetic right now. I have to say, my mother was right when she said I'm only strong on the outside but I'm weak on the inside.
I have a weak soul, yes.
I envy people's inner strength when they get through all these challenges and troubles in their lives.
Sure they come out scratched and scarred.
And although I don't mind that physically, I fear it if the thorns damage my heart.
At the moment, I feel like they've pierced it, and hooked onto the skin of my heart.
And if I were to try and pull it out, it'll cause more damage than there already is.
I'm still a little girl.
Weak.
Timid.
Small.
I can't stand up for myself.
I wait till the day when she's weak. Then I'll stand up for myself.
I see me repeating the relationship between my mother and her own mother.
I guess it's a never-ending chain.
Which is why when I become a mother, I don't want to become a mother like mine.
There's something wrong with me.
I run away from my problems.
I withdraw into myself because I fear too much.
I may not look like I fear things, but a lot more things scare me more than it seems.
People find is as a shock when they see me break down.
I'm not surprised. Because they've always thought I'm strong.
I'm such a disappointment to people. I help them solve their problems but I can't even solve my own.
Isn't that how it works? The clown makes depressed people happy, but he's the saddest person in the world.
I'm drowning in my own fear.
Help.
