Monday, March 21, 2011
"Relax"
"Do you want to let hum go?"
"Let him go how?"
"Just say yes or no, but be honest with yourself."
"But, let go to what extent?"
"Like, if he were to disappear from the face of this earth."
"No."
"So you're not ready to let him go?"
"No... If he were to get hit by a car right now and die, I'd be crying like hell."
....
"hey hey relax... Relax..."
My voice was already cracking when I said the last reply. And my eyes were already tearing.
What does it all mean?
I want to spend time with you, but I'm trying to fix my life at the moment.
It's natural for you to miss me, but I don't think you have the right to get jealous of anyone. You don't have the right to get angry at me if I'm not spending a lot of time with you. I know that desperate feeling you feel. It's like how I feel when you're distracted by someone else, or if you go out with other people.
Monday, March 14, 2011
It's All Because of Fear
Why did God create that feeling in us?
So that we can fear Him.
So that we will stay in control.
So that we won't go astray.
It's that conscience screaming in our heads right before we do something we don't want to do.
There are reasons why we don't want to do something: We know it's wrong, we've never done it before.
And they both have that fear in them.
There are a lot of things I'm scared of in this world, despite the fact that some people think I am the strongest and fearless person they know.
I've been called many things. Sociable, open, brave, courageous, initiative, active, adventurous.
But no one really knows all the things I'm scared of.
They probably know I'm scared of a couple of horror films, or that I'm scared of ants (due to a traumatic experience).
They don't know I'm scared of losing someone close to me.
So scared to the point where I get every emotion mixed inside and go crazy and insane for a while. People mistake it for anger, or me overreacting. But I'm not. It's my way of showing that that person is very close to me, and I care for them a lot.
They don't know that I'm scared of losing someone to the wrong person.
I'm not jealous. I care and I love that person. I've discussed this with a friend before. If my boyfriend were to fall in love with one of my best friends, by all means, go ahead, provided that I think that my best friend or boyfriend deserves someone like that. I absolutely wouldn't mind. Or if my boyfriend were to fall in love with one of his bestest friends that he's known for a long time, provided that she treats me the same way as well. But if I think that he does not deserve someone like her, or she does not deserve someone like him, I'd definitely get pissed... REALLY pissed at either one or both of them.
They don't know just HOW MUCH I'm afraid of getting hurt the same way twice.
There was a time when I trusted everyone, too easily perhaps. My first mistake. My trust was ruined by 3 people. And they say, 3rd time's the charm. From them on, I've been cynical, cold, and just plain mean. Sure, I did trust some more people afterwards, but there's always a small doubt nagging at me in the back of my head. It's trauma I tell you. I wanted to learn from my previous mistakes. It's not a matter of being afraid to make mistakes and getting hurt. It's the matter of making the same mistake TWICE, and getting hurt the same way TWICE.
They don't know that sometimes I'm scared of my own imagination.
At times I wish I wasn't such a creative person. At times, I wish I'm just a dumb autistic kid without a lot of thoughts. Because without these thoughts, maybe some accusations wouldn't have taken place. Maybe some arguments wouldn't have started. Maybe I wouldn't be killing myself inside out. I think too much when I'm silent by myself. Ideas just appear in my head out of nowhere and gets me thinking about things. I start doubting people, I start regretting things, I start changing my mind. I even scare myself at night, or when I'm in the toilet with all the lights on. I feel like something creeping on the back of my neck, wanting to grab me and choke me to death. Or that something is going to come out of the toilet bowl, the sink, or the drain, and drag my forcefully down with it to hell. And you know how I reassure myself despite feeling myself shaking and standing on ends? I tell myself, "It's okay. At least, if I die now, I won't have to face the end of the world and suffer with everyone else. And I don't have to take my exams or go to school anymore. And I don't have to listen to anymore of my mother's nagging."
So that we can fear Him.
So that we will stay in control.
So that we won't go astray.
It's that conscience screaming in our heads right before we do something we don't want to do.
There are reasons why we don't want to do something: We know it's wrong, we've never done it before.
And they both have that fear in them.
There are a lot of things I'm scared of in this world, despite the fact that some people think I am the strongest and fearless person they know.
I've been called many things. Sociable, open, brave, courageous, initiative, active, adventurous.
But no one really knows all the things I'm scared of.
They probably know I'm scared of a couple of horror films, or that I'm scared of ants (due to a traumatic experience).
They don't know I'm scared of losing someone close to me.
So scared to the point where I get every emotion mixed inside and go crazy and insane for a while. People mistake it for anger, or me overreacting. But I'm not. It's my way of showing that that person is very close to me, and I care for them a lot.
They don't know that I'm scared of losing someone to the wrong person.
I'm not jealous. I care and I love that person. I've discussed this with a friend before. If my boyfriend were to fall in love with one of my best friends, by all means, go ahead, provided that I think that my best friend or boyfriend deserves someone like that. I absolutely wouldn't mind. Or if my boyfriend were to fall in love with one of his bestest friends that he's known for a long time, provided that she treats me the same way as well. But if I think that he does not deserve someone like her, or she does not deserve someone like him, I'd definitely get pissed... REALLY pissed at either one or both of them.
They don't know just HOW MUCH I'm afraid of getting hurt the same way twice.
There was a time when I trusted everyone, too easily perhaps. My first mistake. My trust was ruined by 3 people. And they say, 3rd time's the charm. From them on, I've been cynical, cold, and just plain mean. Sure, I did trust some more people afterwards, but there's always a small doubt nagging at me in the back of my head. It's trauma I tell you. I wanted to learn from my previous mistakes. It's not a matter of being afraid to make mistakes and getting hurt. It's the matter of making the same mistake TWICE, and getting hurt the same way TWICE.
They don't know that sometimes I'm scared of my own imagination.
At times I wish I wasn't such a creative person. At times, I wish I'm just a dumb autistic kid without a lot of thoughts. Because without these thoughts, maybe some accusations wouldn't have taken place. Maybe some arguments wouldn't have started. Maybe I wouldn't be killing myself inside out. I think too much when I'm silent by myself. Ideas just appear in my head out of nowhere and gets me thinking about things. I start doubting people, I start regretting things, I start changing my mind. I even scare myself at night, or when I'm in the toilet with all the lights on. I feel like something creeping on the back of my neck, wanting to grab me and choke me to death. Or that something is going to come out of the toilet bowl, the sink, or the drain, and drag my forcefully down with it to hell. And you know how I reassure myself despite feeling myself shaking and standing on ends? I tell myself, "It's okay. At least, if I die now, I won't have to face the end of the world and suffer with everyone else. And I don't have to take my exams or go to school anymore. And I don't have to listen to anymore of my mother's nagging."
They don't know that I'm scared of myself.
I'm scared that if something happens, I might lose control. I might end up hurting more people than I should. I might end up regretting the decision I made. Sometimes, I'm afraid of me hurting myself. I've done it before. No, I've never slit my wrists. I nearly did it once, but the reason why I stopped was vanity. I didn't want to leave scars behind. I've considered committing suicide... every once in a while. Jumping off a rooftop, hanging myself, slitting my wrists in the bathtub, jumping in front of a moving car, jumping out a window... I've thought of it, and considered it. And I always think about how I'd end up dying... How much suffering I'd have to go through before I breath my last breath, or what I'd look like in a casket with a distorted face. And there were probably times where I would have actually gone with it. But then the thoughts that were holding me back were things like, "I need to tell you I love you," or "He loves me. And I'm going to keep on living because of it." Or "I still want to go traveling... so okay fine I'll endure my family some more."
I am seriously crazy.
I seriously am.
I should go see a fucking psychiatrist.
People should actually stay away from me because I might actually kill them.
Me
I would have washed my mouth with detergent and not speak to you for a couple of hours...
I would have personally told her off.
I would have personally told her to back the fuck off.
I would have personally removed her from your life.
I would have been possessive to the point where you will argue with me for being crazy/insane/over-the-top/overreacting.
I would have started doubting ALMOST every girl you hang out with. (I say ALMOST because there are some girls which I don't mind you going out with, and some I mind A LOT.)
It sucks that now I'm doubting almost everything you say.
It sucks that now I'm doubting your sincerity.
It sucks that now I'm doubting your actions.
It sucks that now I feel like I don't know you anymore.
It sucks that now I feel like you're a specimen and I'm observing and analyzing every tiny action when you speak.
It sucks that I feel the hatred and annoyance returning every time you do this little action that screams "I AM NOT TELLING THE TRUTH."
It sucks that I have to sit and listen to everything you say and observe you so very closely at the same time.
It sucks that I have to listen to everything you say, partially wanting to believe it, and partially regarding everything as a manipulative tactic.
It sucks that I can't even believe whether your father actually punched you. You know why? You actually paused for quite a long time before you told me where he punched you. Personally, if it was in my memory, I'd definitely remember clearly where the hell someone punched me.
It sucks that you never looked at me in the eye when you said all those things. Fear or my reaction of your honest feelings? Or just plain lies?
But I do know, that you reached a point of self-realization somewhere right there.
That's good enough.
For now.
The problem left is what you're going to do with what you realized about yourself.
You've been through this stage before, about less than a year ago as well.
Oh how sincere you sounded then. But how would I know?
It was all black on white, pixelated words on a screen.
No voice, no face, no eyes, not you.
I would have personally told her off.
I would have personally told her to back the fuck off.
I would have personally removed her from your life.
I would have been possessive to the point where you will argue with me for being crazy/insane/over-the-top/overreacting.
I would have started doubting ALMOST every girl you hang out with. (I say ALMOST because there are some girls which I don't mind you going out with, and some I mind A LOT.)
It sucks that now I'm doubting almost everything you say.
It sucks that now I'm doubting your sincerity.
It sucks that now I'm doubting your actions.
It sucks that now I feel like I don't know you anymore.
It sucks that now I feel like you're a specimen and I'm observing and analyzing every tiny action when you speak.
It sucks that I feel the hatred and annoyance returning every time you do this little action that screams "I AM NOT TELLING THE TRUTH."
It sucks that I have to sit and listen to everything you say and observe you so very closely at the same time.
It sucks that I have to listen to everything you say, partially wanting to believe it, and partially regarding everything as a manipulative tactic.
It sucks that I can't even believe whether your father actually punched you. You know why? You actually paused for quite a long time before you told me where he punched you. Personally, if it was in my memory, I'd definitely remember clearly where the hell someone punched me.
It sucks that you never looked at me in the eye when you said all those things. Fear or my reaction of your honest feelings? Or just plain lies?
But I do know, that you reached a point of self-realization somewhere right there.
That's good enough.
For now.
The problem left is what you're going to do with what you realized about yourself.
You've been through this stage before, about less than a year ago as well.
Oh how sincere you sounded then. But how would I know?
It was all black on white, pixelated words on a screen.
No voice, no face, no eyes, not you.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Being Spiteful and Bitter to Survive
Oh wait. My bad. Remembered the wrong day.
4pm
This information overload is overwhelming.
No one is saying a word, only telling me what I should do to stay alone.
Telling me what sort of thoughts I should have to allow myself to get rid of every feeling, just so that I can be sure of what I felt or feel.
Does that make sense?
I feel like an autistic kid... Feeling as if she's taking in too much information at one time and the mind can't process everything. And my heart feels like it's going to explode. Sometimes I feel like there's a scream on the verge of escaping, but it's just parked in my throat. Thank goodness it's not trying to claw its way out.
I want to get away from school, from home, from anybody. Home seems to feel like torture in isolation... I feel like crashing my head against something sometimes. I feel like I need a fix... NOW. Because I know the drug gets me to calm down for a little while. And for that little while, my mind doesn't think of anything. And for that teensy little while, I feel like everything's fine. Nothing is wrong. There's no studies, no one, nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that peace that I've been longing for so long... is just one stick away. It harms my health I know that, and people tell me that trying to get rid of all all this shit I feel is not worth harming my health. They're probably right. But it keeps me sane. It keeps me from thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. Like they said, get rid of a bad habit with a new one.
I should.
Fuck this. It makes me sound like it was a habit. Just a habit gone wrong. Bus ride home, playlist just started playing that goddamn soundtrack. It's ridiculous... even the idea of it. Watching a romance comedy with someone you're cheating with, and then asking your girlfriend to watch it. Is that disgusting or what? Yes yes, I'm a defender of all things original and unique. And I try not to repeat the same things with subsequent boyfriends, because I know how it feels when they do something to someone else with you knowing that they did the same things to you before. It makes you feel like shit. I wonder if I should make a book for you with all the lovey-dovey shit in it. I wonder if I should make a mix CD of all of my favorite songs.
I told myself I should stop thinking about all this. It worked in school. But the moment I saw you walking home, everything just came rushing back. Everything. I came downstairs because I was getting very distracted with the others upstairs. Thought I could get better concentration, at least with the teensy dose of your presence there. Oh well you were going home. I thought, "oh, coincidence." Sat down, tried to start working. Managed to annotate a couple of lines. Then bam, you had to come back and take your gym bag because you somehow conveniently left it there. Concentration then just started deteriorating.
2 months. It's 2 months. "Oh you'll get over it in 6 months or less." 6 months or less?? Are you fucking kidding me? Then again, I've gotten over people quickly before... But this is different. This is... very different.
Fuck.
Sigh... Whatever. Got all my thoughts out for the day... this should clear my mind enough for about 2 hours to get my essay done.
I don't want to go anywhere today. I just want to do work. No tuition. No church please. Nothing. Just... nothing. I don't want to see people. Coz if I see them, I can't trust myself to shut up. The eyeliner is just me setting a boundary for myself so that I won't cry again. Never cried that hard for a long time... A seriously long time... To the point where I couldn't talk, my body was shuddering as I just sat there with my head over the table. I was probably making the most noise in the library with my sobs. And the friend so bewildered and confused, kept calling my name and rubbing my back, or nudging my arm. Held my breath for 3 seconds before I lifted my head. First time he's seen me in such a mess. I was one hell of a mess alright.
There's so much fucking drama in this school. Not just about relationships either. There's the backstabbing, the bitching about someone else, jealousy, unheard feelings of love. It's sad to watch all of this from the sidelines. Especially when I'm hearing this from people close to me. And when I take a step back to see where I am, I just feel so fucking pissed at myself for falling for everything. If I were to look at my own relationship in a 3rd person point of view, (since a friend had drawn out a time-line of my relationship), I'd tell myself, "WHAT ARE YOU STILL HERE FOR? He just used every trick in the book on you. Can't you see that?? The evolution of the manipulation. He's carrying out inception on you!! And it's also 3 fucking layers!!"
Wow. You can imagine the self-revelation right there. I felt like I was out of my body. I felt the anger and hatred coming back right there and then. If I were my close friend, I'd tell myself, "just get over it. He's not worth it. He's just doing everything he can to get you back so that he has someone to chill out with in the next 2 months. But after 2 months, he's just going to chuck you aside again like he did last time. He's afraid of commitment, he doesn't want it, and he can't do it either. He tells you he does, but he doesn't. Sure you both agree it won't last forever, but seriously? Think about it. You're both most likely going to separate colleges anyway. Come on. What's the point in carrying on? You said so yourself that after you've broken up, you're hanging out more with your other friends, spending more time with them and getting to know them, and letting them know you. Why dwell on ONE relationship when you can form SO MANY MORE? Yes you miss him so much. You say you still love him and you really really really miss him, not as a physical lover, but as a friend as well. Well, these feelings are temporary. And you WILL get over it. You just have to give it time. But at the moment, go out, have fun with your friends, laugh, smile, do crazy shit together that you couldn't do when you were attached. You're young, you can still survive by yourself. If you're not going to marry him, and he doesn't want to marry you, then what's the point in wasting your life on him? Right? Keep your eyes open. Someone better will come along. Someone who KNOWS how to RESPECT YOU, someone who KNOWS how to TREAT YOU. YOU specifically. If he really really knew you, he'd have told you about that girl a long time ago. He'd have known how you were going to react. You don't deserve a guy who needs two girls (or more) to satisfy his emotional and physical needs. You don't deserve a guy who can't keep this dick in his pants. You don't deserve a guy who won't accept you for WHO YOU REALLY ARE, and keep asking you to change just because he's done so much for you. If he doesn't accept you, remind him that he sang 'Just The Way You Are' to you. He was selfish the way he treated you, and you have the right to be selfish for once, and for your own good. He can still think that he has the right to get angry with you? It's natural you're afraid to trust him. Your fear is derived from his own actions. If he wants to get angry, he should get angry at himself. He's forgotten that it's already generous of you to let him talk to you in school. That action itself is already causing people to talk and criticize her for being nice. I understand that you want to give him a second chance. You are not the type to bear grudges on someone forever just because they've given you shit like this, especially in relationships. You know why? Because your mother told you so. Your mother told you that she tells you that you're still young, there's no need to hate someone like this. She has seen how you treated Christopher despite the fact that he broke your heart and STILL ignored you for the next year and even more. You ignored his ignorance, and still made the effort to be friends with him. You know you want the same for Richard. But in this case, you're Christopher if you continue to ignore him. It's okay to be friends with him. I know you want to. You can, and you will. But to be something more than that is going to take A LOT more out of you. Are you ready to take it all out? Are you ready to risk everything? Right now, he's definitely succeeding at making you feel guilty for something you HAVE the right to do: ruin him. He ruined you in the beginning by not telling you about his past and having people criticize you since the beginning. You wanted to break up with him at the start, but you were afraid too. You were afraid of him, and you didn't have the strength. But I'm glad you stayed, because if you hadn't, you wouldn't have gotten in touch with your feminine side. You wouldn't be who you are now. You wouldn't be this strong. People expected you to be a basket-case and sob your eyes out the day you broke up with him, or within the next 3 days after that. But you didn't. It was a whole week before you finally snapped. This totally proves that you're strong. Richard wanted you to come out stronger, and you did. You showed it. You proved it. And if you hadn't kept it up with Richard, you wouldn't have tried out the things you've always wanted to do. He let you free. He set you free. And now all you're doing is tie yourself down with all these worries. And as much as the relationship has been affecting your attitude in class, and your approach/organization to work, this after-effect is making it worse. You're stressing yourself out more. He's probably not in THIS much shit, and I know you still can't trust that Korean girl, or him. She said she won't say a word to him and trusts that you do the same. Then you both agree to let him know, but she still says that she won't talk to him. Remember how you felt when he told you that she called him up to ask him why you were contacting her? DESPITE THE FACT that she said goodbye to him and think that they SHOULD NOT TALK ANYMORE. If you get back to him, tell her off, and delete her off everything. And I mean everything. Lovely, you don't need a boy who is unfaithful to you when he says that the possibility of it happening is only in a WORST CASE SCENARIO. (He probably forgot that he said all that to you last year in his attempt to calm you down about the possibility of him cheating on you.) And you don't need a boy who has a girl on his tail who just doesn't know how to control her fucking actions. She says she didn't mean to take him away from you? But well, that's what she clearly did. She had him in the palm of her hands, giving him promises of a summer together and being a "good couple," or telling people that "I'm pretty set on Richard." But perhaps, one day you could ask your mother if that unfaithful worm should be given a second chance. You know you want to, and it's natural and OKAY to feel scared. Don't let him make you think otherwise. If he knows you THAT well, he should understand what the hell you're going through if he keeps pushing you to take him back. And don't forget, keep praying. Trust Him to help you. You know He will."
Wow.... that was some verbal diarrhea... Didn't think I'd write so much but the things kept coming. Things I'd say to myself, mixed with some things people tell me, but mostly stuff I thought of on the spot. Mmm... and yet I still can't make up my mind despite all this. Sigh. I can't think straight. At all. Especially with the stupid questions I've been asking people. Good God, help me.
I feel like an autistic kid... Feeling as if she's taking in too much information at one time and the mind can't process everything. And my heart feels like it's going to explode. Sometimes I feel like there's a scream on the verge of escaping, but it's just parked in my throat. Thank goodness it's not trying to claw its way out.
I want to get away from school, from home, from anybody. Home seems to feel like torture in isolation... I feel like crashing my head against something sometimes. I feel like I need a fix... NOW. Because I know the drug gets me to calm down for a little while. And for that little while, my mind doesn't think of anything. And for that teensy little while, I feel like everything's fine. Nothing is wrong. There's no studies, no one, nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that peace that I've been longing for so long... is just one stick away. It harms my health I know that, and people tell me that trying to get rid of all all this shit I feel is not worth harming my health. They're probably right. But it keeps me sane. It keeps me from thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. Like they said, get rid of a bad habit with a new one.
I should.
Fuck this. It makes me sound like it was a habit. Just a habit gone wrong. Bus ride home, playlist just started playing that goddamn soundtrack. It's ridiculous... even the idea of it. Watching a romance comedy with someone you're cheating with, and then asking your girlfriend to watch it. Is that disgusting or what? Yes yes, I'm a defender of all things original and unique. And I try not to repeat the same things with subsequent boyfriends, because I know how it feels when they do something to someone else with you knowing that they did the same things to you before. It makes you feel like shit. I wonder if I should make a book for you with all the lovey-dovey shit in it. I wonder if I should make a mix CD of all of my favorite songs.
I told myself I should stop thinking about all this. It worked in school. But the moment I saw you walking home, everything just came rushing back. Everything. I came downstairs because I was getting very distracted with the others upstairs. Thought I could get better concentration, at least with the teensy dose of your presence there. Oh well you were going home. I thought, "oh, coincidence." Sat down, tried to start working. Managed to annotate a couple of lines. Then bam, you had to come back and take your gym bag because you somehow conveniently left it there. Concentration then just started deteriorating.
2 months. It's 2 months. "Oh you'll get over it in 6 months or less." 6 months or less?? Are you fucking kidding me? Then again, I've gotten over people quickly before... But this is different. This is... very different.
Fuck.
Sigh... Whatever. Got all my thoughts out for the day... this should clear my mind enough for about 2 hours to get my essay done.
I don't want to go anywhere today. I just want to do work. No tuition. No church please. Nothing. Just... nothing. I don't want to see people. Coz if I see them, I can't trust myself to shut up. The eyeliner is just me setting a boundary for myself so that I won't cry again. Never cried that hard for a long time... A seriously long time... To the point where I couldn't talk, my body was shuddering as I just sat there with my head over the table. I was probably making the most noise in the library with my sobs. And the friend so bewildered and confused, kept calling my name and rubbing my back, or nudging my arm. Held my breath for 3 seconds before I lifted my head. First time he's seen me in such a mess. I was one hell of a mess alright.
There's so much fucking drama in this school. Not just about relationships either. There's the backstabbing, the bitching about someone else, jealousy, unheard feelings of love. It's sad to watch all of this from the sidelines. Especially when I'm hearing this from people close to me. And when I take a step back to see where I am, I just feel so fucking pissed at myself for falling for everything. If I were to look at my own relationship in a 3rd person point of view, (since a friend had drawn out a time-line of my relationship), I'd tell myself, "WHAT ARE YOU STILL HERE FOR? He just used every trick in the book on you. Can't you see that?? The evolution of the manipulation. He's carrying out inception on you!! And it's also 3 fucking layers!!"
Wow. You can imagine the self-revelation right there. I felt like I was out of my body. I felt the anger and hatred coming back right there and then. If I were my close friend, I'd tell myself, "just get over it. He's not worth it. He's just doing everything he can to get you back so that he has someone to chill out with in the next 2 months. But after 2 months, he's just going to chuck you aside again like he did last time. He's afraid of commitment, he doesn't want it, and he can't do it either. He tells you he does, but he doesn't. Sure you both agree it won't last forever, but seriously? Think about it. You're both most likely going to separate colleges anyway. Come on. What's the point in carrying on? You said so yourself that after you've broken up, you're hanging out more with your other friends, spending more time with them and getting to know them, and letting them know you. Why dwell on ONE relationship when you can form SO MANY MORE? Yes you miss him so much. You say you still love him and you really really really miss him, not as a physical lover, but as a friend as well. Well, these feelings are temporary. And you WILL get over it. You just have to give it time. But at the moment, go out, have fun with your friends, laugh, smile, do crazy shit together that you couldn't do when you were attached. You're young, you can still survive by yourself. If you're not going to marry him, and he doesn't want to marry you, then what's the point in wasting your life on him? Right? Keep your eyes open. Someone better will come along. Someone who KNOWS how to RESPECT YOU, someone who KNOWS how to TREAT YOU. YOU specifically. If he really really knew you, he'd have told you about that girl a long time ago. He'd have known how you were going to react. You don't deserve a guy who needs two girls (or more) to satisfy his emotional and physical needs. You don't deserve a guy who can't keep this dick in his pants. You don't deserve a guy who won't accept you for WHO YOU REALLY ARE, and keep asking you to change just because he's done so much for you. If he doesn't accept you, remind him that he sang 'Just The Way You Are' to you. He was selfish the way he treated you, and you have the right to be selfish for once, and for your own good. He can still think that he has the right to get angry with you? It's natural you're afraid to trust him. Your fear is derived from his own actions. If he wants to get angry, he should get angry at himself. He's forgotten that it's already generous of you to let him talk to you in school. That action itself is already causing people to talk and criticize her for being nice. I understand that you want to give him a second chance. You are not the type to bear grudges on someone forever just because they've given you shit like this, especially in relationships. You know why? Because your mother told you so. Your mother told you that she tells you that you're still young, there's no need to hate someone like this. She has seen how you treated Christopher despite the fact that he broke your heart and STILL ignored you for the next year and even more. You ignored his ignorance, and still made the effort to be friends with him. You know you want the same for Richard. But in this case, you're Christopher if you continue to ignore him. It's okay to be friends with him. I know you want to. You can, and you will. But to be something more than that is going to take A LOT more out of you. Are you ready to take it all out? Are you ready to risk everything? Right now, he's definitely succeeding at making you feel guilty for something you HAVE the right to do: ruin him. He ruined you in the beginning by not telling you about his past and having people criticize you since the beginning. You wanted to break up with him at the start, but you were afraid too. You were afraid of him, and you didn't have the strength. But I'm glad you stayed, because if you hadn't, you wouldn't have gotten in touch with your feminine side. You wouldn't be who you are now. You wouldn't be this strong. People expected you to be a basket-case and sob your eyes out the day you broke up with him, or within the next 3 days after that. But you didn't. It was a whole week before you finally snapped. This totally proves that you're strong. Richard wanted you to come out stronger, and you did. You showed it. You proved it. And if you hadn't kept it up with Richard, you wouldn't have tried out the things you've always wanted to do. He let you free. He set you free. And now all you're doing is tie yourself down with all these worries. And as much as the relationship has been affecting your attitude in class, and your approach/organization to work, this after-effect is making it worse. You're stressing yourself out more. He's probably not in THIS much shit, and I know you still can't trust that Korean girl, or him. She said she won't say a word to him and trusts that you do the same. Then you both agree to let him know, but she still says that she won't talk to him. Remember how you felt when he told you that she called him up to ask him why you were contacting her? DESPITE THE FACT that she said goodbye to him and think that they SHOULD NOT TALK ANYMORE. If you get back to him, tell her off, and delete her off everything. And I mean everything. Lovely, you don't need a boy who is unfaithful to you when he says that the possibility of it happening is only in a WORST CASE SCENARIO. (He probably forgot that he said all that to you last year in his attempt to calm you down about the possibility of him cheating on you.) And you don't need a boy who has a girl on his tail who just doesn't know how to control her fucking actions. She says she didn't mean to take him away from you? But well, that's what she clearly did. She had him in the palm of her hands, giving him promises of a summer together and being a "good couple," or telling people that "I'm pretty set on Richard." But perhaps, one day you could ask your mother if that unfaithful worm should be given a second chance. You know you want to, and it's natural and OKAY to feel scared. Don't let him make you think otherwise. If he knows you THAT well, he should understand what the hell you're going through if he keeps pushing you to take him back. And don't forget, keep praying. Trust Him to help you. You know He will."
Wow.... that was some verbal diarrhea... Didn't think I'd write so much but the things kept coming. Things I'd say to myself, mixed with some things people tell me, but mostly stuff I thought of on the spot. Mmm... and yet I still can't make up my mind despite all this. Sigh. I can't think straight. At all. Especially with the stupid questions I've been asking people. Good God, help me.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
你和我已經太過分了吧
剛才你對我的態度真令我感到非常傷心和生氣。
不知應該要怎麼對付你。
我情不自禁就熱烈盈眶，在大家的面前哭哭啼啼。
我已經為你犧牲了我的自豪好幾次了。我還需要犧牲自己嗎？
我連自己的感情都分不清。。。
我不要跟任何人講起你的事了，因為我已經說到口水都干掉了。
我要給我自己一點時間，現把事想清楚才再做決定。
可能會幾個星期，可能會幾個月的時間。
你不願意等的話，你最好現在就放棄吧。我們現在可能還有機會當做朋友。
到我下一次和你說話，我認為這是最後一次。
現在就輪到我跟你說：
再見。
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Scarred Friendship
If last night didn't happen, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way.
If last night didn't happen, you probably wouldn't be feeling this way.
If last night didn't happen, things won't be this awkward between us.
If last night didn't happen, we'd live life as it is and move on.
But now, there's that little scar there on the thread of our past, where the string is frayed, on the verge of getting cut loose.
But the loose strands still stay intertwined, forming a thicker thread than the only thin one holding the past together.
Now I'm the one who wishes things get back to what they were like before.
If last night didn't happen, you probably wouldn't be feeling this way.
If last night didn't happen, things won't be this awkward between us.
If last night didn't happen, we'd live life as it is and move on.
But now, there's that little scar there on the thread of our past, where the string is frayed, on the verge of getting cut loose.
But the loose strands still stay intertwined, forming a thicker thread than the only thin one holding the past together.
Now I'm the one who wishes things get back to what they were like before.
Blurred Visions
I want to clear out my system.
Clean it out of any chemicals that were produced due to some hormonal physical contact.
Clean out thoughts of you so that I'd stop missing you just because of the past we had together.
I want to build on my feelings from scratch.
I don't want to love you for the wrong reasons.
I want to make sure that I love you.
So it's best we stay off from each other for a while.
I want to be sure of my feelings, without the interference or influence from other thoughts.
All that's left after that is whether my selfish pride would sacrifice itself for you once more.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Last Moment
As I watch you just lying there on my lap, eyes closed, breathing, resting, oh so peaceful.
I stroke your face, and my fingers run through your soft hair.
Oh how I loved to watch you sleep like that. I felt lonely usually, but I knew you needed the sleep, so I never complained.
Suddenly an overwhelming rush of emotions just came rushing and suddenly I'm on the verge of tears. Odd.
"It's times like these that I feel like crying."
Without opening your eyes, you ask why.
"Because the moment seems so perfect... If only it can last forever like this... I love you..."
But by the time I got to the end, I was mumbling so softly you must not have heard me. And you were asleep, starting to snore so very softly, with your phone clutched to your chest with one hand.
I stroke your face, and my fingers run through your soft hair.
Oh how I loved to watch you sleep like that. I felt lonely usually, but I knew you needed the sleep, so I never complained.
Suddenly an overwhelming rush of emotions just came rushing and suddenly I'm on the verge of tears. Odd.
"It's times like these that I feel like crying."
Without opening your eyes, you ask why.
"Because the moment seems so perfect... If only it can last forever like this... I love you..."
But by the time I got to the end, I was mumbling so softly you must not have heard me. And you were asleep, starting to snore so very softly, with your phone clutched to your chest with one hand.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Perfect Relationship
What has become of us?
We have once walked down this street hand in hand.
Our arms around each others.
Dropping kisses and pecks time to time.
The brush of your lips against my skin.
What has become of us?
We have hidden in dark places alone.
Our heavy breathing as we blew off each other's minds.
Our hearts beating in rhythm fast and slow.
Bodies driven by pleasure.
What has become of us?
We have had long conversations everyday that couldn't end.
Emotional support for the other.
Favourite procrastinations and hobbies of the other.
Unable to live without seeing the other even through a screen.
I thought this could last like this forever.
I wish it can last like this forever.
Cut out our emotions.
Cut out our thoughts.
Cut out our imagination.
Cut out the rest of the world.
We will be perfect.
What will become of us?
We will be fearless.
Without other temptation.
Without concern.
Emotionless.
And you will be mine, and me yours.
A poem I wrote from the top of my head on Monday night.
It's meant to be like, an unrealistic nature of loving someone, at the same time criticizing the unrealistic expectations one has in a relationship.
I just kept writing and didn't stop, and this was the outcome of it haha.
Wow, not bad for some toilet inspiration XD
We have once walked down this street hand in hand.
Our arms around each others.
Dropping kisses and pecks time to time.
The brush of your lips against my skin.
What has become of us?
We have hidden in dark places alone.
Our heavy breathing as we blew off each other's minds.
Our hearts beating in rhythm fast and slow.
Bodies driven by pleasure.
What has become of us?
We have had long conversations everyday that couldn't end.
Emotional support for the other.
Favourite procrastinations and hobbies of the other.
Unable to live without seeing the other even through a screen.
I thought this could last like this forever.
I wish it can last like this forever.
Cut out our emotions.
Cut out our thoughts.
Cut out our imagination.
Cut out the rest of the world.
We will be perfect.
What will become of us?
We will be fearless.
Without other temptation.
Without concern.
Emotionless.
And you will be mine, and me yours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A poem I wrote from the top of my head on Monday night.
It's meant to be like, an unrealistic nature of loving someone, at the same time criticizing the unrealistic expectations one has in a relationship.
I just kept writing and didn't stop, and this was the outcome of it haha.
Wow, not bad for some toilet inspiration XD
Break It
"Break our bonds
Break our ties
Break the wall of a thousand lies
Break my spirit
Break my pride
Break the love hovering deep inside
Break my heart
Break my soul
Break the conscience of submissive control
Break the truth
Break the trust
Break the memories if you must
A heart left numb
A spiteful face
A girl left yearning for a warm embrace
The rage dries up
The pain breaks through
You’re no longer the man I once knew"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A short poem a friend came up in about 5 minutes. Sounds like a little chant doesn't it? haha
I keep forgetting to post up the one I wrote on Monday. I wrote it in 5 minutes as well. And it's in my iPod, and I left it in the car last night =.=
So I'll just post it up tonight after church or something.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Let Me Show You
Been there, done that messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
The messages I tried to send
My information's just not going in
Burning bridges shore to shore
I break away from something more
I'm not turned on to love until it's cheap
Been there, done that messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now, I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Do, do, do your dirty words
Come out to play when you are hurt?
There's certain things that should be left unsaid
Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do is fill me up with doubt
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time I'll be bulletproof
This time I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
The messages I tried to send
My information's just not going in
Burning bridges shore to shore
I break away from something more
I'm not turned on to love until it's cheap
Been there, done that messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now, I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Do, do, do your dirty words
Come out to play when you are hurt?
There's certain things that should be left unsaid
Tick, tick, tick, tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do is fill me up with doubt
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time I'll be bulletproof
This time I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof
This time, baby, I'll be bulletproof