How could she? She knew. She knew what I felt for her, a boy like me with such a sensitive heart. She had broken it before, but she just had to do it again. Why? Does she find joy in torturing me like this? Or am I just so blinded by love and attached to her that I would not bear to leave her be.
Last Saturday, Grace had gone for the birthday party of a certain church friend. This friend of hers, Keren, had introduced a boy to her, Timothy. They clicked almost immediately. According to what Grace told me that night, he was suave, outgoing, very sociable, and definitely charming. I was sure, compared to me, he was the prince in shining armor, while I was the ugly dork watching from the sidelines.
The conversation with her over MSN was going fine until she started filling in the details. He had sought for more than her name, a handshake and her phone number. I recalled that when I had just known Grace online through a classmate, I had to ask for it only days later, and I had only met her 4 years after. The fact that she was falling for a boy that she had known for less than 24 hours, probably had something to do with the great first impression Timothy gave her, which I failed to do.
Grace even dreamt about dancing with Timothy that night. She had blogged about it on her website. It was just there for the whole world to read, including a poor soul like me. Why did I continue reading? I had basically given myself in to a slow process of silent heartbreak.
At that moment, I began to realize. Why do I care so much? I am not even 16 yet. I am not even sure whether this is love. What really is important in my life at the moment? Maybe, her presence in my everyday life had blurred my sense of priority.
I felt a sudden rush of negative emotions, anger, jealousy, sadness, and frustration. I was angry that she had treated me like one of her toys. I was jealous that she would reject a close friend whom she had known for almost 5 years, and would accept someone she barely knew. I was disappointed at this comparison, and frustrated that I had not done enough to win her heart.
On Sunday, I ignored her for the whole day. She deserved it. I gave her so much of my time and attention, but what she gave me in return was… nothing. I have confessed my feelings to her clearly. It was obvious that she knew. She must have noticed that I had not spoken to her at any time that day. I saw her online, and she must have noticed I was not. She ended up asking my classmate whether I was online. Darn, she has too many connections. In those moments, I have never felt so confused. I could not stand the conflict within me. My mind was telling me to just ignore her, and really think about what was really important in my life. And I should just pray for strength to leave this childish love of mine. However, my heart was saying otherwise. I should just talk to her and forget what she had done, but she had not apologized.
In the end, my mind won my body. I signed out of my account and isolated myself in my room to think. Just as suddenly, I received a text message from Grace, “I know you probably hate every inch of my right now, and I don’t think it would help if I said I’m terribly sorry.” At that moment, I just wanted to reply with a message saying that I had forgiven her and everything was all right. I slapped myself hard at that thought. I really had to stop being so weak! She was probably just trying to make me feel sorry for her. She had no idea how much she hurt me this time.
It took me some time to think of a sensible and reasonable reply. I had to tell her and myself that I needed some time away from her to decide for myself what really is most important to me in life. Now I pray that I make the right decision. I pray that this close friendship of mine would never change, and I pray that I control myself, and win over the conflict in my heart.
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