Rubbish.

As bad as this sounds, and you probably don't mean it, and I know you're just using your rationality and logic and whatever part of your brain.

But I feel like a paper towel. Used, torn and tattered. Just ready to be thrown away like nothing after you're done with it.

Do you know what you sound like?
I know you're doing this for our sake.
But are you going to throw away the past year like this?
JUST BECAUSE we will get hurt.
You're not even going to try it out?
You're just going to go head in with what you think you know and decide what you think is right?

The future hurting me, is probably nothing compared to how I feel right now.

You know what I feel like right now?

I feel like this past year is just so that you have someone by your side to accompany you in school because you have a lack of friends and everyone hates you for your past.
But look here.
I don't care about what you did or have done.
I looked past all of that.
The only reason why I cared about it was because you never told me yourself, and I found out from other people.
But then I forgave you for it.
For everything you've done to hurt me.
For all the times you've torn my heart out of my chest.
For the times when you've made me cry.
For all the times when you've given me so much to worry about.

Is this love?
Where I am there for you emotionally.
By your side, because you need me emotionally, and psychologically.

Or am I just someone for you to accompany you for this school year.
To be there for you on graduation night so that you won't be alone.
To satisfy your physical needs.

I want to run head in into this.
Because I love you that much that I am willing to suffer and tear up my heart even more.
Just. For. You.

Are you that afraid of getting us hurt, that you're willing to hurt me more in the process of doing so?

This is history repeating itself all over again...
And trust me, I've been through this, "It's better we end this now before I hurt you more in the future" sort of bullshit.

I've Got The Power

Who am I kidding?

I make my own chances.

I Made You Who You Are

Why do I bother getting angry at you?

Am I trying to self-justify?

Does this mean that after all this time, I still feel something?

Maybe.

They say that after you've broken up with someone you can never stay "just friends" because a part of you will still love him/her.

Very true.

But we aren't even friends now. Are we?

Well, the last time we met, I did say that we are friends who just don't talk.

I guess I'll keep it at that.

But why do I always make myself angry at thoughts of you?

That acidic feeling on the back of my throat.

I feel like telling you, in case you've forgotten:

I made you who you are.

I wonder if she knows about me.

Remember the topic of an open relationship?

Share your definition of it with her.

Be open.

Or maybe that's just me being the demanding girlfriend that I was... am...

Maybe it's my ego for daring to say something like this.

But in case you forget and push me away into the back of your memories, you are living with an image of you that you created with my help.

I guess in that sense, I will never leave you.

At times I wonder, what would happen if I were to meet you just randomly on the street?

Would either of us say hi?

Would we wave?

Would we speak?

Would we just walk by as if nothing happened the moment our eyes meet?

Only Chance will grant that meeting.

But I want to tell Chance, that meeting can wait.

Sometimes

"Vampires. Who likes vampires? Probably a lot of people find them charming now. But one thing is for sure: they certainly should not shimmer like diamonds in sunlight. I love vampires, always have. But before the horrible but humorous Twilight series rose to sudden fame, I was regarded as The weird outsider. Odd isn’t it? I tend to drive my friends to the brink of insanity by the way I preach about a great deal of originality and forced or fake accents. I guess you could say I am old-fashioned. Some “ultra modern” friends who simply pick up what new popular things they come across have labelled me that, making them forget about the old, classic, and better things in their pasts. As you can see, my passion for originality and creativity has also turned me into a defender for all things genuine and original."


A defender for all things genuine, original, and unique.


I see what you write to her and I just can't help but see how hopeless you are.
You have no originality. At least I try to make an effort by not repeating the same things with different guys I go out with.
You're using the same song with her??
You know, when you shared that song with me, I thought it was so perfect (not for us. For me.) because I get that feeling as well. You don't do drama. I do. And I thought it fit so well coz I get butterflies in my stomach.
And now you use it on her as well... Dear me.


And how you make that list of your priorities.
There's no longer any specialty in the T-shirt I painted for you.
Well, in my opinion at least.


And how you just start telling her that you will love her forever and always.
You never learn do you? Unless you still love me as well.


Sometimes, you disgust me.

There's something wrong with me

It's been a while since I actually posted something really emotional up here.
My heart feels like it's been torn into two.

Stuck in between innocence and guilt.
Stuck in between the urge to stand up for myself, to scream and shout, and just sitting there.
Stuck in between keeping things as they are to prevent them from getting worse, and just blowing things up.

I tell myself I need to fight back. People tell me I need to fight back and stand up for myself.

I sound so bloody pathetic right now. I have to say, my mother was right when she said I'm only strong on the outside but I'm weak on the inside.
I have a weak soul, yes.
I envy people's inner strength when they get through all these challenges and troubles in their lives.
Sure they come out scratched and scarred.
And although I don't mind that physically, I fear it if the thorns damage my heart.
At the moment, I feel like they've pierced it, and hooked onto the skin of my heart.
And if I were to try and pull it out, it'll cause more damage than there already is.

I'm still a little girl.
Weak.
Timid.
Small.

I can't stand up for myself.
I wait till the day when she's weak. Then I'll stand up for myself.
I see me repeating the relationship between my mother and her own mother.
I guess it's a never-ending chain.

Which is why when I become a mother, I don't want to become a mother like mine.

There's something wrong with me.
I run away from my problems.
I withdraw into myself because I fear too much.
I may not look like I fear things, but a lot more things scare me more than it seems.

People find is as a shock when they see me break down.
I'm not surprised. Because they've always thought I'm strong.
I'm such a disappointment to people. I help them solve their problems but I can't even solve my own.
Isn't that how it works? The clown makes depressed people happy, but he's the saddest person in the world.

I'm drowning in my own fear.
Help.

Party Night

Sure I have work to do and I still have not submitted my University application yet...

But I needed a break. And I got it.
At Loof for Richard's 18th birthday :)
Just a couple of puffs and a couple of sips = bliss

With Khush :)

And I made it home before 12. Ain't I awesome? :P
And still completely sober...... maybe a lil high :P But just a lil bit.... hehe

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

My mom.

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Talking.

I can't live without talking.
Like, NO KIDDING.

Researching for a presentation, I came to school and did not speak for a day.
It was to record the sort of reactions people gave me.
And also how I adapted to all the weird reactions people gave me.

And by the time I was home, I was suffering.
I listened to music and I had SUCH A FRIGGIN HUGE URGE to start singing.
But I couldn't coz I had to complete my research and not speak for a full day.
Lol...

It came to the point where when I woke up the next morning, I had to remind myself that I CAN talk.
And I started breathing out through my throat first before I started talking to myself to reassure myself that I CAN talk. hahaha

Yeah... I can't live without talking. I need my voice.


I love my voice.



Oh ego...

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter).

I never had one :)
So I'll pass on this topic hehe

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Green Day,

Thank you for your American Idiot album.
Without it, I would never have gotten through my 13th year alive.

It was a really chaotic year and a lot of things happened to me.
I was crying every other day.
Mother wasn't being all reasonable at home.
Friends were accusing me of things and I lost a couple of close ones and gained a group of enemies.

If it weren't for your song "Give Me Novocaine" that encouraged me to be numb to all the problems going on, I'd have run away from home already.

So thank you Green Day for that really awesome album.
The songs mean a lot to me.



Yours truly,
Lovely Taidy

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.

I have no idea really.

Well I suppose....
hmmm...

Actually I don't know.
Well I guess I never get compliments on my negative traits.
haha That much is obvious duh lol.



This is a very short post. XD

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

There comes a time when people used to compliment me on my artistic talent.
And now that i'm not taking art in UWC, no one says that anymore. And my art skills have all gone down the drain, out of practice.

Then there's a small portion of people who say that I have a good sense of humour.

And then there's another group of people who say I think out of the box.
I'm a lateral thinker.
A unique thinker.

And I guess that's about it.
I'm not a person that gets complimented a lot.
Just a normal person I suppose :)

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

It's someone I need to let go.
It's been 8 months.
It's someone I must let go.
We had good times.
But fate was against us.
Thank you for the weeks we had.
The hours.
The minutes.
The precious seconds.
Time has moved on.
Pictures are washed away.
My body has moved on.
My mind has forgotten.
My heart has been mended and given.
I must let go.
I know I didn't do this
But I must say, I'm sorry, Josiah.

Day 9 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I'd say, this didn't happen to just one person, but quite a number.

Firstly, there's the people from STC. Ever since I moved out of that school before the O levels, I haven't spoken much to any of them.
I remember drifting away from Phoebe. She was my so-called best friend in Sec 1. But then again that was a chaotic year so never mind.

There are also people from my really old school back in Indo.
Although this friend's family also moved to Singapore, and became my neighbour for a while, we drifted. Somehow, our families just drifted apart. Partly because my mother lost contact with my friend's mother. And his family had some issue... so... yeah...

But then again, with all these years, although I've lost some friends, I've gained more. Just look at where I'm now :) UWC is a great place and filled with great people :)

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

My mother.



Enough said.

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

God has shown me just how fucked up my life was. And He brought me through it. From this experience, I've come out stronger and tougher than ever before. And it's only that I've just realized it. I'm bulletproof. I thought I'd be a basketcase but I guess, no. I did not shed a tear and I'm glad about it. I love God. :)

School

Extended Essay day! I did my essay on "The Kite Runner" and "1984." I had a kite with me on that day but I placed it on another table so it's not in this picture haha

Same day. This was our Korean UN Night technical rehearsals :D He was so glad I was wearing a hanbok hahaha I looked so Korean people couldn't even recognize me lol mmm

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Wow... Umm... I hope I never have to murder her to prove my point.

Sometimes I just have this urge to storm into the kitchen, grab the first knife I see and just stab that woman with it. Yes this is NOT healthy. I know. But you have no idea how much I'm enduring every day at home. Every second of my life within these walls that I call a prison.

Which is why I don't like to stay at home. I'd rather go out and study than stay home. Because at home, anything can come up. Anything can happen. Anything can arise. And problems will explode in my face like a bomb.

Sigh... People tell me I should express my emotions, tell her how I feel, either by talking to her or writing her a note. Well if I do either of those things, I have to do it in English. And her English isn't very good, and she'll end up not understanding 70% of what I'm trying to say. Frustrating eh? She doesn't even know what "expert" means. Like, whut?

Oh well.

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Hmm... Over the 17+ years of my life, there have been many things I've wanted to do in my life.

Be famous. Be famous. Be famous. Live life to the fullest. Kill myself. Live. Love. Sing. Dance. Steal things. (If you get my joke here haha) Get married. Have a job. Have a family. Kill someone. Go to prison just to escape my life. Give birth to a kid before the end of the world...

Well... I've lived. I've loved. I've sung. I've dance. And I've stolen things.

The rest may or may not come in the future.

But overall, something I hope to do, is to be someone that people will remember. Well, I guess that isn't too hard due to the name that I am born with. But in terms of personality, I want to be remembered. And so far, only my closest friends would truly know who I am. There are even other close friends who say they are close but they don't even know me well. And sometimes, they are still finding out new things about me that they've never known before.

Live is short. I want to live it and live it well.

At times, religion no longer matters to me anymore because I have been that tied down to the materialistic views of humanity on earth. And yet I know that after death, there will be new life and something more. A place with no sadness and no tears...

Sigh...

At times I wish that time will come soon. And yet sometimes I wish I have more time on earth...

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for

When I first read this, the first person I thought of was Christopher.

I have to forgive him for breaking my heart 2 summers ago, and HOW he broke my heart.

And he probably has a good reason for doing so, but thinks that it's a stupid reason to me. Mmm... evidence is that he NEVER talks about me. He says that I'm part of his past and he only focuses on the "now." And he never told anyone about us, or the breakup, or what actually happened.

I wonder what he thinks about it though.

He tells me he's turned over a new leaf. Oh well. I won't be able to know.

Sigh...

Then again, we've both moved on. So yeah, that's good I suppose.

But I'll never be that close to him ever again. I can read him too well.