Sometimes

"Vampires. Who likes vampires? Probably a lot of people find them charming now. But one thing is for sure: they certainly should not shimmer like diamonds in sunlight. I love vampires, always have. But before the horrible but humorous Twilight series rose to sudden fame, I was regarded as The weird outsider. Odd isn’t it? I tend to drive my friends to the brink of insanity by the way I preach about a great deal of originality and forced or fake accents. I guess you could say I am old-fashioned. Some “ultra modern” friends who simply pick up what new popular things they come across have labelled me that, making them forget about the old, classic, and better things in their pasts. As you can see, my passion for originality and creativity has also turned me into a defender for all things genuine and original."


A defender for all things genuine, original, and unique.


I see what you write to her and I just can't help but see how hopeless you are.
You have no originality. At least I try to make an effort by not repeating the same things with different guys I go out with.
You're using the same song with her??
You know, when you shared that song with me, I thought it was so perfect (not for us. For me.) because I get that feeling as well. You don't do drama. I do. And I thought it fit so well coz I get butterflies in my stomach.
And now you use it on her as well... Dear me.


And how you make that list of your priorities.
There's no longer any specialty in the T-shirt I painted for you.
Well, in my opinion at least.


And how you just start telling her that you will love her forever and always.
You never learn do you? Unless you still love me as well.


Sometimes, you disgust me.

There's something wrong with me

It's been a while since I actually posted something really emotional up here.
My heart feels like it's been torn into two.

Stuck in between innocence and guilt.
Stuck in between the urge to stand up for myself, to scream and shout, and just sitting there.
Stuck in between keeping things as they are to prevent them from getting worse, and just blowing things up.

I tell myself I need to fight back. People tell me I need to fight back and stand up for myself.

I sound so bloody pathetic right now. I have to say, my mother was right when she said I'm only strong on the outside but I'm weak on the inside.
I have a weak soul, yes.
I envy people's inner strength when they get through all these challenges and troubles in their lives.
Sure they come out scratched and scarred.
And although I don't mind that physically, I fear it if the thorns damage my heart.
At the moment, I feel like they've pierced it, and hooked onto the skin of my heart.
And if I were to try and pull it out, it'll cause more damage than there already is.

I'm still a little girl.
Weak.
Timid.
Small.

I can't stand up for myself.
I wait till the day when she's weak. Then I'll stand up for myself.
I see me repeating the relationship between my mother and her own mother.
I guess it's a never-ending chain.

Which is why when I become a mother, I don't want to become a mother like mine.

There's something wrong with me.
I run away from my problems.
I withdraw into myself because I fear too much.
I may not look like I fear things, but a lot more things scare me more than it seems.

People find is as a shock when they see me break down.
I'm not surprised. Because they've always thought I'm strong.
I'm such a disappointment to people. I help them solve their problems but I can't even solve my own.
Isn't that how it works? The clown makes depressed people happy, but he's the saddest person in the world.

I'm drowning in my own fear.
Help.

Party Night

Sure I have work to do and I still have not submitted my University application yet...

But I needed a break. And I got it.
At Loof for Richard's 18th birthday :)
Just a couple of puffs and a couple of sips = bliss

With Khush :)

And I made it home before 12. Ain't I awesome? :P
And still completely sober...... maybe a lil high :P But just a lil bit.... hehe

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

My mom.

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Talking.

I can't live without talking.
Like, NO KIDDING.

Researching for a presentation, I came to school and did not speak for a day.
It was to record the sort of reactions people gave me.
And also how I adapted to all the weird reactions people gave me.

And by the time I was home, I was suffering.
I listened to music and I had SUCH A FRIGGIN HUGE URGE to start singing.
But I couldn't coz I had to complete my research and not speak for a full day.
Lol...

It came to the point where when I woke up the next morning, I had to remind myself that I CAN talk.
And I started breathing out through my throat first before I started talking to myself to reassure myself that I CAN talk. hahaha

Yeah... I can't live without talking. I need my voice.


I love my voice.



Oh ego...

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter).

I never had one :)
So I'll pass on this topic hehe

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Green Day,

Thank you for your American Idiot album.
Without it, I would never have gotten through my 13th year alive.

It was a really chaotic year and a lot of things happened to me.
I was crying every other day.
Mother wasn't being all reasonable at home.
Friends were accusing me of things and I lost a couple of close ones and gained a group of enemies.

If it weren't for your song "Give Me Novocaine" that encouraged me to be numb to all the problems going on, I'd have run away from home already.

So thank you Green Day for that really awesome album.
The songs mean a lot to me.



Yours truly,
Lovely Taidy

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.

I have no idea really.

Well I suppose....
hmmm...

Actually I don't know.
Well I guess I never get compliments on my negative traits.
haha That much is obvious duh lol.



This is a very short post. XD

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

There comes a time when people used to compliment me on my artistic talent.
And now that i'm not taking art in UWC, no one says that anymore. And my art skills have all gone down the drain, out of practice.

Then there's a small portion of people who say that I have a good sense of humour.

And then there's another group of people who say I think out of the box.
I'm a lateral thinker.
A unique thinker.

And I guess that's about it.
I'm not a person that gets complimented a lot.
Just a normal person I suppose :)

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

It's someone I need to let go.
It's been 8 months.
It's someone I must let go.
We had good times.
But fate was against us.
Thank you for the weeks we had.
The hours.
The minutes.
The precious seconds.
Time has moved on.
Pictures are washed away.
My body has moved on.
My mind has forgotten.
My heart has been mended and given.
I must let go.
I know I didn't do this
But I must say, I'm sorry, Josiah.

Day 9 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I'd say, this didn't happen to just one person, but quite a number.

Firstly, there's the people from STC. Ever since I moved out of that school before the O levels, I haven't spoken much to any of them.
I remember drifting away from Phoebe. She was my so-called best friend in Sec 1. But then again that was a chaotic year so never mind.

There are also people from my really old school back in Indo.
Although this friend's family also moved to Singapore, and became my neighbour for a while, we drifted. Somehow, our families just drifted apart. Partly because my mother lost contact with my friend's mother. And his family had some issue... so... yeah...

But then again, with all these years, although I've lost some friends, I've gained more. Just look at where I'm now :) UWC is a great place and filled with great people :)

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

My mother.



Enough said.

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living for

God has shown me just how fucked up my life was. And He brought me through it. From this experience, I've come out stronger and tougher than ever before. And it's only that I've just realized it. I'm bulletproof. I thought I'd be a basketcase but I guess, no. I did not shed a tear and I'm glad about it. I love God. :)

School

Extended Essay day! I did my essay on "The Kite Runner" and "1984." I had a kite with me on that day but I placed it on another table so it's not in this picture haha

Same day. This was our Korean UN Night technical rehearsals :D He was so glad I was wearing a hanbok hahaha I looked so Korean people couldn't even recognize me lol mmm

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Wow... Umm... I hope I never have to murder her to prove my point.

Sometimes I just have this urge to storm into the kitchen, grab the first knife I see and just stab that woman with it. Yes this is NOT healthy. I know. But you have no idea how much I'm enduring every day at home. Every second of my life within these walls that I call a prison.

Which is why I don't like to stay at home. I'd rather go out and study than stay home. Because at home, anything can come up. Anything can happen. Anything can arise. And problems will explode in my face like a bomb.

Sigh... People tell me I should express my emotions, tell her how I feel, either by talking to her or writing her a note. Well if I do either of those things, I have to do it in English. And her English isn't very good, and she'll end up not understanding 70% of what I'm trying to say. Frustrating eh? She doesn't even know what "expert" means. Like, whut?

Oh well.

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Hmm... Over the 17+ years of my life, there have been many things I've wanted to do in my life.

Be famous. Be famous. Be famous. Live life to the fullest. Kill myself. Live. Love. Sing. Dance. Steal things. (If you get my joke here haha) Get married. Have a job. Have a family. Kill someone. Go to prison just to escape my life. Give birth to a kid before the end of the world...

Well... I've lived. I've loved. I've sung. I've dance. And I've stolen things.

The rest may or may not come in the future.

But overall, something I hope to do, is to be someone that people will remember. Well, I guess that isn't too hard due to the name that I am born with. But in terms of personality, I want to be remembered. And so far, only my closest friends would truly know who I am. There are even other close friends who say they are close but they don't even know me well. And sometimes, they are still finding out new things about me that they've never known before.

Live is short. I want to live it and live it well.

At times, religion no longer matters to me anymore because I have been that tied down to the materialistic views of humanity on earth. And yet I know that after death, there will be new life and something more. A place with no sadness and no tears...

Sigh...

At times I wish that time will come soon. And yet sometimes I wish I have more time on earth...

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for

When I first read this, the first person I thought of was Christopher.

I have to forgive him for breaking my heart 2 summers ago, and HOW he broke my heart.

And he probably has a good reason for doing so, but thinks that it's a stupid reason to me. Mmm... evidence is that he NEVER talks about me. He says that I'm part of his past and he only focuses on the "now." And he never told anyone about us, or the breakup, or what actually happened.

I wonder what he thinks about it though.

He tells me he's turned over a new leaf. Oh well. I won't be able to know.

Sigh...

Then again, we've both moved on. So yeah, that's good I suppose.

But I'll never be that close to him ever again. I can read him too well.

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

I don't get this question... I've never understood what it means to forgive myself for something. What can I forgive myself for? Polluting my mind since I was in kindergarten?

I'm suddenly thinking of the song "Love For A Child" by Jason Mraz. And I can associate myself with that song...

"There's a picture on my kitchen wall

Looks like Jesus and his friends involved

There's a party getting started in the yard

There's a couple getting steamy in the car parked in the drive

Was I too young to see this with my eyes?

And by the pool that night, apparently

The chemicals weren't mixed properly

You hit your head and then forgot your name

And you woke up at the bottom by the drain

And now your altitude and your memory's a shame

So, what about taking this empty cup and filling it up

With a little bit more of innocence

I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young

It's okay to be easily ignored

I like to believe it was all about love for a child

And when the house was left in shambles

Who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass

Was it mom who put my dad out on his ass or the other way around

Well I'm far too old to care about that now

So, what about taking this empty cup and filling it up

With a little bit more of innocence

I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young

It's okay to be easily ignored

I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child

It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce

I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes

And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age

Oh but they never check to see my grades

What a fool I'd be to start complaining now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up

With a little bit more of some innocence

I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young

It's okay to be easily ignored

I'd love to believe it was all about love for a child

It was all about love..."

I need for forgive myself for the lack of innocence since I was young. And due to that, I have done many things in my life that I shouldn't be doing at my age... But of course, in this new age, it's all normal. There are people who are younger than I am who do worse things. It's life... it's society...

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

Where do I even begin? NOWHERE! Because I just can't imagine a part of me that I love... What is it that I love?

I don't know! Have I been that self-less as to not love myself? Or as my mother puts it, vanity in a good way.

Sigh... Well, I suppose that it's the ability to see in everyone's perspectives... Hmm... Yeah... I guess that's it. You know how people say that you need to step into someone's shoes to understand them. Well, I for a fact can do that quite easily. Of course, once in a while I find someone whom I just don't even bother understanding and I just let the feelings of hatred wash over me.

lol

But hey, if I do try to get to know that person, I will try to see from his/her perspective.

I try to see from my mother's perspective too. But sometimes, it's just so hard to understand why she thinks a certain way. Sometimes I think she could be too conservative to the point where it is just INSANE! Very rash and unreasonable. But then I suppose it's because of her upbringing, her tight hold on religion, and not wanting us to make the same mistakes she did. Sigh... Sometimes I try to find the excuse that the reason why I am like this is because of her. It's in the genetics I tell you. It's aaaall in the genes.

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Something I hate about myself? Well, there are several ways of looking at that.

Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? I can list out so many things that I hate about myself... I'll probably just choose 1 from each of these three I suppose...

Physically...

This is obvious. Acne.

Acne, the thing that invades the skin of teenagers like a bloody parasite. Growing into their skin, making it swell and redden... I hate my acne :( And thanks to them, I have scars on my faces and down my back. Oh great =.= Why did I have to receive my father's genes of oily skin? :( Sigh...

Mentally...

Well, I guess I am an insecure person. And I get worried about hurting other people or whatever and I end up feeling like shit afterwards but I yet I don't dare to do anything.

And then there's the problem with me bringing up things in the past. Sometimes when I have too much time to think, I think too much. And I think of past situations where I wish I could change so that it won't turn out so bad. I wish I'd avoid my mistakes or whatever...

Spiritually...

Hmmm... I guess I've ben weakened in this area by A LOT. I just can't seem to care about anything anymore. I don't give a shit. This isn't good. Because I never thought this would actually happen to me and that I'd become.... THIS. I know I shouldn't be tempted and yet I am. I hate myself for this. And yet at the same time I don't care.

Sigh... Oh, it's just my life. Not yours.