Monday, March 14, 2011

Me

I would have washed my mouth with detergent and not speak to you for a couple of hours...
I would have personally told her off.
I would have personally told her to back the fuck off.
I would have personally removed her from your life.
I would have been possessive to the point where you will argue with me for being crazy/insane/over-the-top/overreacting.
I would have started doubting ALMOST every girl you hang out with. (I say ALMOST because there are some girls which I don't mind you going out with, and some I mind A LOT.)

It sucks that now I'm doubting almost everything you say.
It sucks that now I'm doubting your sincerity.
It sucks that now I'm doubting your actions.
It sucks that now I feel like I don't know you anymore.
It sucks that now I feel like you're a specimen and I'm observing and analyzing every tiny action when you speak.
It sucks that I feel the hatred and annoyance returning every time you do this little action that screams "I AM NOT TELLING THE TRUTH."
It sucks that I have to sit and listen to everything you say and observe you so very closely at the same time.
It sucks that I have to listen to everything you say, partially wanting to believe it, and partially regarding everything as a manipulative tactic.
It sucks that I can't even believe whether your father actually punched you. You know why? You actually paused for quite a long time before you told me where he punched you. Personally, if it was in my memory, I'd definitely remember clearly where the hell someone punched me.
It sucks that you never looked at me in the eye when you said all those things. Fear or my reaction of your honest feelings? Or just plain lies?

But I do know, that you reached a point of self-realization somewhere right there.
That's good enough.
For now.

The problem left is what you're going to do with what you realized about yourself.
You've been through this stage before, about less than a year ago as well.
Oh how sincere you sounded then. But how would I know?
It was all black on white, pixelated words on a screen.
No voice, no face, no eyes, not you.

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